~ dear united nations,

we have decided to decline your gracious offer of a peacekeeping force within the borders of afghanistan. while we will continue to hold talks concerning the future administration of the country, at least until international help is no longer needed to oust the taliban, we will not be needing any escorts or supervisors for the food, blankets, or medical supplies that we expect you to provide. we are grateful for your thoughtfulness concerning our security, but we find that the security of our intentions are most efficiently executed by our own armed and restless hordes. for example, after analyzing the data from a case study at a personnel holding facility outside of mazar-e-sharif, we have determined that our standard operations of shooting prisoners whose arms are bound behind the back are best facilitated without the interference or observation of others. in fact, it turned out to be quite a hindrance to have our soldiers stop their scavenging in order to cut the corpses’ bonds before the red cross was allowed to bury them. regardless of possible future events, please accept our gratitude today!

sincerely,

the northern alliance

ps. u.s. and british warplanes are still allowed to bomb targets for us.

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