~ as if it were not surmised by the lack of updates, all of the angry red planet staff spent the holidays – well, one of them – in georgia again. with the slightest pretext, the trip was turned into a road trip, albeit one extremely limited in focus due to the extra care that needed to be given to one of the inhabitants of the ford ranger which was hired from a firm philadelphia – the ‘birthplace of freedom’, if nothing else – to serve as our transportation. upon the arrival to the outer rim of the settlements, the trip was immediately regretted. atlanta has become an unsightly behemoth; none of the aspects of the town of which we have memories from growing up there seem to have survived. the air is dirtier than any city we have seen, including l.a. and houston; comments on this are answered by ‘it’s because it hasn’t rained’, as though it is nature’s responsibility to clean up the air ruined by suvs idling in the 2nd longest commuting time in the nation. lake lanier’s shoreline is shrinking because there are too many people taking the water than the rivers can sustain; atlanta will soon learn that they can’t drain the water from someplace else like los angeles does, as the ‘someplaces’ are alabama, tennessee, and florida, some of whom already have engaged in litigation against atlanta. the most regrettable fact is that, as Atlanta follows the sprawling model of l.a., it does so without learning from any of the hot mistakes that were made. while it was amusing, even endearing, to see the nightmares of los angeles while living there, it is another thing altogether to see them come about in our hometown.

~ this new year’s eve is to begin by deciding whether or not the violence in ‘black hawk down’ is celebratory jingoism or a repulsive, anti-war display – or a way to line movie industry pockets(?). this shall be followed by a ‘terrorist-defying’ visit to times square for the ball-dropping, or a more traditional retirement to sleep before midnight.

~ happy new year!

~ the new viewing platform is open for pissants who need to gawk at the wreckage of the world trade center; it is doubtlessly wide enough to enable all of them to pose for photographs in front of the wreckage, and certainly there is a booth for “my parents went to the smoldering ruins of the world trade center and all i got was this lousy t-shirt” t-shirts. we wish that all of the people coming here to enjoy the ruins – who will go back to their offices and garages and lounges and regale their coworkers with the highlight of their trip having been seeing a corpse pulled from the debris – would stay home and entertain themselves by looking at train wrecks and freeway pile-ups and rotten.com; actually, we wish they would all be involved in train wrecks and freeway pile-ups…and be featured on rotten.

~ happy holidays and best of luck in the new year from ashley, saucemaster, phobos, and all your friends at the angry red planet!

~ whoever has been knocking on the office door all day should know that it is not going to be opened.

~ we retooled and updated the ‘usa’ scene report.

~ our middle east peace plan:
1) deposit all israelis and palestinians on mars, and tell them to build a colony or die.
2) see how long they bicker and murder over each other’s crap.

~ it is an amazing coincidence that the highly anticipated osama bin laden confessional tape was released the same day that george w. bush announced that the u.s. is breaking its promise in the anti-ballistic missile treaty. we are sure that it took a couple of extra days to translate that tape, but it is too bad that its release has overshadowed the announcement of the broken treaty, since the bush administration doubtlessly wants the nation to know how well is defending the nation from the missile threat.

~ washington post [w]

~ cnn [w]

~ new york times [w]

~ guardian unlimited [w]

~ msnbc [w]

~ to whom it may concern,

as the angry red planet spends its time reading proust, we have no television or vcr in the office. since we can not view bin laden’s ‘smoking gun’ videotape that is being released today, please send us a copy in divx or quicktime. after watching the evidence, we can decide if the u.s. should begin seeking osama bin laden and/or bombing his al queda crew.

-the angry red planet

~ dear f.b.i.

you no doubt expect a big round of applause now that u.s. marshals have arrested mr. waagner on suspicion of mailing ‘fake anthrax letters’. however, i have an idea: try catching the folks who sent the real ones.
thanks,

-the angry red planet

~ dear george w bush,

please go back on television and ask each american child to donate $1, but this time let’s send the $1.5 million that is raised to the kids in this country (the united states of america) who don’t have enough to eat. thanks.

-the angry red planet

~ make that 3-to-1.

dear d.o.d.,

when you told the country to be ready for a ‘dangerous’ period in which we could expect american casualties, americans bravely steeled themselves and said they were ready for the deaths of someone else’s sons and daughters. however, no one foresaw that the american deaths you were warning about were going to be caused by other Americans, or at least their reliance on errant smart bombs. so far, the ‘evil ones’ have killed one (1) and wounded one(1) of the american troops (if the truth is being told), while errant bombs have killed two (2) and wounded twenty-five (25). sure, two deaths isn’t something that you carpet-knights worry about, but the 2-to-1 odds are pretty crummy. we sure hope you do not kill or incarcerate two (2) american civilians for every civilian that al-queda killed on september 11. please have your business partners at raytheon [w] and general dynamics [w] get their asses in gear, and smarten up these bombs before you start invading iraq.

-one concerned citizen

ps. though the northern alliance are scum, if they are u.s. allies, it is not the best policy to be killing them, also. not yet, anyway, right?